The Empathist (NF) and the Realist (SP): what draws them together, the predictable crises, the possible benefits.
It's possible for EMPATHISTs and REALISTs to have a great deal in common: both may be perceptives or feeling types, and they may share introversion or extraversion. But the EMPATHIST and REALIST modes of dealing with love and life are fundamentally different ones, and knowing a bit about what to expect can smooth out the road a bit for the EMPATHIST-REALIST lovebirds.
An excited EMPATHIST, working feverishly on life's latest (greatest) creation or cause looks remarkably like a REALIST immersed in an all-absorbing pet project. Both of them may decide to work until three in the morning.
What's the difference? The EMPATHIST gets absorbed by an idea, a mission, a piece of writing or art, a philosophy, a relationship, or group of people, while the REALIST is more often attracted by a game or other physical endeavor (from football to dance to pottery making to music), a thing, a device or project, a process, a technique,—or a here-and-now problem to solve by some hands-on approach.
And both the REALIST and the EMPATHIST experience "let downs" in their work.
The EMPATHIST burns out periodically and goes through a low-energy recovery cycle until that intuitive fire is rekindled. The REALIST may just quit doing whatever when the impulse fades. Then the REALIST goes off and does something else.
One difference is that the EMPATHIST may be a miserable creature during the slack period—feeling guilty, useless, without value, creativity or merit. Alas! The muse is gone! The EMPATHIST may blame others for the inertia, get sick, become morbid or depressed, complain, make excuses, eat too much, or engage in other varieties of self-destructive behavior.
The REALIST is a different breed. The REALIST has a good time not working. To the REALIST, when work is self-selected play, it's OK. When work is work (necessary and boring), it's tolerated only as a means to create time and money for play!
Most EMPATHISTs don't know how to separate their identities from their mission in life, and few EMPATHISTs share the REALIST's concept of WORK AND PLAY.
When the EMPATHIST and the REALIST pair up, you can bet that this difference in their attitudes may loom large in the relationship's problems.
Don't mistake my meaning: EMPATHISTs do enjoy playing. EMPATHISTs, better than any other temperamental type maintain a child's sense of fantasy throughout adulthood. But there's a difference between EMPATHIST play and REALIST play.
EMPATHISTs play as a part of a relationship. The EMPATHIST plays with special people, as though the experience were being shared to be preserved as a memory, lovingly packed away in a gunny-sack to be recalled as a part of the relationship. What does the EMPATHIST remember? The emotional tone, the feelings, the happiness, joy, disappointment, sadness.
REALISTs play to play. REALISTs don't play so they can retrieve the memory of the play—although they certainly do remember every last detail of a great camping trip, a tense baseball game, or an exciting skiing weekend. The REALIST enjoys people, sure. The REALIST is the master of camaraderie, fellowship, fraternity. But the REALIST deals with the people as part of the fun.
To summarize the conflict as it's most often experienced:
REALIST: Hey, Lee invited me to go to the mountains this weekend!
EMPATHIST: Wonderful, is Jan coming, too?
REALIST: Huh? I don't think so.
EMPATHIST: Then it'll be just the three of us?
REALIST: Three? No. You don't understand. Lee invited me to go to the mountains.
EMPATHIST: I'm not going, too?
REALIST: Well, no. We just wanted to do some hiking. You know you don't like to hike.
EMPATHIST: But, I've been looking forward to spending this weekend with you. I don't think we've been spending enough time with each other and it's hurting our relationship. I want to know you better. I want to understand your feelings...
REALIST: Feelings! There you go again! I'm going hiking with Lee.
EMPATHIST: Can't I come, too?
REALIST: And spend the weekend working on our relationship? I want to have some fun. Can't you ever just lighten up?
The EMPATHIST mate may be an uncomfortable visitor to the REALIST's physical, spontaneous, atheoretical (often-uncommitted), here-and-now world.
The REALIST type may get bored with the EMPATHIST's continual analysis of what everything means, the endless search for significance in every comment, every glance, every gesture, every silence.
The word feelings may become so contaminated that it becomes a trigger for both mates of everything that's wrong with the relationship.
The EMPATHIST may accuse the REALIST of having no vision, no real mission in life. The REALIST type may retort that the EMPATHIST lives in a fantasy world, with no appreciation of what is real.
The EMPATHIST may be hurt and misled by the REALIST's concept of ROMANCE. When the REALIST decides impulsively to "Go for it!" early in a relationship with an EMPATHIST, the EMPATHIST may mistake the REALIST's zeal for EMPATHIST-variety "falling in love." The EMPATHIST may be swept away by the passionate momentum of the action-oriented REALIST, only to feel betrayed later as the REALIST retreats when the EMPATHIST murmurs words of love and life-long commitment.
Even if this pair mates in a relatively stable relationship, it's unlikely that the EMPATHIST will ever be completely satisfied with romance, REALIST-style.
To be sure, if both are feelers and share their extraverted or introverted attitudes, they improve their chances of compatibility over the long haul of the relationship, but—since one is a sensor and the other an intuitive—each invalidates the very basis of the other's reality!
Eventually, differences in their attitudes about MONEY will probably come into conflict when the EMPATHIST and the REALIST mate.
The REALIST will be more materialistic—not necessarily in the sense of developing investments or amassing a fortune, but rather by putting time and energy into just making money. The REALIST may not want to save it, except to then spend it, have a good time with it. The REALIST's idea of wealth is taking vacations and buying things to enjoy today.
EMPATHISTs usually find it easier to spend money on purchases related to their personal development and the search for meaning in life, rather than on good times, vacations, and toys (unless, of course, the EMPATHIST sees the latter expenditures as enhancing the relationship with the REALIST, in which case, anything goes!) The EMPATHIST finds it easy to spend money on the home and loved ones.
The EMPATHIST and REALIST combine their financial attitudes disastrously at times, with the EMPATHIST allowing feelings and emotions to guide the use of the checkbook and the REALIST allowing impulse and the quest for good times and toys to dictate the budget.
In fact, there's not likely to be a budget for many EMPATHIST-REALIST pairs, unless the EMPATHIST happens to be an organized judging type and the REALIST is one who prefers thinking.
The EMPATHIST is a spiritual, feeling person, whose life is a journey toward better understanding of self and others. The EMPATHIST's attraction for life-long learning and personal development is totally beyond the REALIST's comprehension. The REALIST finds it baffling that the EMPATHIST might want to read a text book on psychology or philosophy or take a college extension course—for fun!
The REALIST can get excited about instruction, but only if the course is about print-making, scuba diving, pottery, skiing, tennis or golf—or maybe if the topic is real estate or stock market investments. And the REALIST does read, but usually about business or money-making, crafts, hobbies, clothes, cars, sports, travel, romance, mystery or adventure. From many EMPATHISTs' viewpoint, these are poor examples of personal enrichment programs.
The EMPATHIST's fascination for metaphysics, serious reading (as in "literature" or personal development), music listening, film watching, concert-going, museum browsing, or the like may convince the REALIST that the EMPATHIST doesn't want to live life, just find out about it!
The EMPATHIST's circle of friends, selected reflexively for their warmth, spirituality, intelligence, creativity, eccentricity and personal depth, will probably amaze the REALIST, who may regard this eclectic group as a throwback to the 60's.
The REALIST's circle of friends, selected reflexively for their "go get 'em" participation in common activities, will probably impress the EMPATHIST as "not very deep." "They never discuss anything beyond the here-and-now," the EMPATHIST may say critically.
Life with the REALIST may be a totally draining experience for the spiritually focused EMPATHIST. Especially the thinker-type REALIST simply has no understanding of the EMPATHIST's needs for connection, harmony, appreciation and attention, and—without intending to do so—the REALIST may continually tread on the EMPATHIST's tender feelings.
At times, the EMPATHIST may give the REALIST a feeling of a straightjacket, a noose around the neck, or at least a wet sheet: cramping, stifling, suffocating, inhibiting movement and freedom.
Day in and day out, the EMPATHIST may complain of hurt feelings and criticize the REALIST for lacking sensitivity, especially if the REALIST is a thinker-type. The REALIST usually will try to ignore the criticism for as long as possible. Then the REALIST may simply leave. Conflict is wearing and draining to REALISTs, and—given a chance—they'll avoid it at all costs.
Needless to say, these conflicts are most pronounced when the REALIST is a thinker type and the EMPATHIST is a judging type. Then there may be real fireworks!
As a parting comment, when it comes to SEX, even the feeling-type REALIST may fail to meet the EMPATHIST's expectations for eternal romance and passion. Cosmic love is, indeed, the exclusive province of the intuitive-feeler!
Especially the introverted and judging EMPATHIST may find the REALIST's sexual spontaneity a challenge. ("In the elevator!?" you may eavesdrop.)
NOTE: These predictable crises are more likely when the REALIST is a thinker and/or the EMPATHIST prefers the judging attitude. With one an introvert and the other an extravert, the challenge may be doubled!
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