Her introduction to the loving profiles.
Congratulations for using your head in affairs of the heart, and for getting a little analytical about those all-important parts of life that many abandon to chance and pure emotion: affection and close relationships: CONNECTIONS!
Times come and go. Wars erupt and fizzle. Nations rise and fall. But man's essential and undeniable biology decrees that the most important questions of life have to do with mating. They always have. They always will.
As a culture, we expect more from love than ever before. Ironically, we also expect less.
In former generations, mating was a once-and-for-all matter determined either by family expectations and arrangements, or by some adolescent infatuation that could be consummated only after a trip to the altar. We expected relatively little from marriage: constancy and mutual support and rearing children.
"Till death us do part" remained the operative phrase.
Not so today. Now, we demand that love keep us happy, fill our needs for sexual excitement and satisfaction, creature comfort, friendship, fun, intellectual stimulation, security and companionship. Somewhere along the way, our drive for reproduction still comes into the picture, too.
And, now, when our relationships fail to meet these complex needs, we dissolve them and go searching for a new mate. Like the Mad Hatter's tea party in Alice in Wonderland, we leave our dirty dishes behind us and move to a fresh table setting. "Clean cups! Move down!"
The stigma of divorce and of marriage-less intimate relationships is largely gone in our society. We've become what anthropologists dub a "serially polygamous society," multiple mates over a lifetime.
Now we aren't stuck in unsatisfying relationships. We can start over. But the question arises: are we learning anything from the relationships that don't work? Are we getting better at the mating game?
That's what CONNECTIONS is all about. CONNECTIONS is a learning experience about love and mating, a new and different approach to "matters of the heart"—using your head!
Let's start with an obvious cliche: opposites attract. They do. Or, in more understandable terms: complements attract. People often are drawn to what they are not.
To some extent, this yearning for one's opposite may stem from a deep-seated feeling of rejection: that there's obviously something wrong with us, and, thus, we search for someone "better" or more perfect.
To the extent that thinking-type people have been nagged and criticized for not being emotionally sensitive or "in touch with their feelings," so thinkers may be drawn toward feeling-type mates.
To the degree that intuitives feel deficient for lacking a solid sense of reality—a firm here-and-now perspective on the world—then they may be attracted toward sensing types.
If perceptives are impressed—either by experience or by criticism and condemnation—with their lack of decision-making ability, they may seek out judging partners.
And when extraverts come to believe what their critics say: that they are boisterous, unreflecting, chatty, and superficial, they may decide that they need an introverted mate.
And, of course, the pressures also apply in reverse on all of these dimensions!
And, of course, the "decision-making" process we've alluded to is almost entirely subconscious!
The dilemma is this: all too often, after being attracted to a mate who differs radically from ourselves, we almost instantly undertake a destructive mission to re-make the partner in our own image.
Keirsey and Bates dubbed this process "the Pygmalion project," and the analogy with George Bernard Shaw's play is aptly drawn. If we find ourselves cast in the role of Dr. Henry Higgins, doggedly nagging our Eliza Doolittle partner, we can bet that the relationship isn't long for this world—or that it isn't destined to be very happy!
So, opposites may attract, but the relationship may not be a lasting one unless both partners continue to appreciate each other for the differences which drew them together in the first place!
An alternative approach is to search for one's soul-mate: the personality image of ourselves. That tactic is the one favored by most of the match-making services, and it has a good deal to recommend it.
If Lee's an outdoor person who loves weekend back-packing trips roughing it in the wild, it's great if Jan enjoys the same adventure.
If Leslie is a quiet type who enjoys classical music and reading every evening, what could be better than spending time with Bo, whose tastes are similar?
Intellectuals appreciate the stimulation other thinker-types provide them. And feeling-types are relieved to find sensitive partners who share their value system.
But there are hazards, too, in like-attracts-like coupling. Two introverts may become totally reclusive. Two extraverts may wear each other out. Two intuitives may never attend to the details of life, and so on.
Each partner may ratify his or her own short-comings in the mate, and neither person may experience the growth that comes with coping effectively and creatively with individual differences.
It makes no sense to take a hard and fast stand on whether you'll be happiest paired with your opposite or with your personality twin. You be the judge.
The objective of this profile is to help you become a bit more analytical about your relationships. Learn to recognize the individual differences which are important for your mating style. Understand how these differences may have affected your past relationships and your present ones.
And then use that knowledge to your benefit as you move forward with your love life!
Hopefully, this learning will help you become a bit more accepting of yourself and your partners, and a bit more responsible for the happiness of your life.
Now, we don't suggest that you turn into a balance-sheet lover, jotting down the assets and liabilities of each potential partner. But we do believe that differences in personal style are important in assessing the long-term outcome of love relationships, so you'd best go into them with your eyes wide open.
With more insight about your loving style, you may be able to trade in your maladaptive feelings of victimization and persecution for some good-natured acceptance of the fact that different people behave in predictably different ways.
With more insight you may see that any loving connection that's based on the notion that one or both people must sacrifice their individuality to make the relationship work is no bargain for either party.
"Live and let live!" is the motto of the day, in love as in all interpersonal relationships.
Now let's take a look at your personal CONNECTIONS profile and the predictable ups and downs of your interactions with other personality types.